RBR: Grown Ups 2

I am developing quite the cognitive dissonance when it comes to Adam Sandler's films these days. As I watch more films and learn more about what it takes to make a great film, I increasingly notice the flaws that are found in his movies. And yet one fact remains (mostly) true whenever I watch him on screen - he finds a way to make me laugh. Given the sophomoric nature of the humor, I don't always take pride in the fact that I laugh, but what can I say? In this follow up to the successful film from 2010, we find Sandler and all of his buddies (Kevin James, Chris Rock, and David Spade) and their families all living the sweet life in suburbia. If you are looking for a plot here, do not bother. While story has never been a strength in the Sandler library, this one is particularly startling in how flimsy of a premise there is to string along these scenes. This is moreso a collection of scenes with Sandler riffing with his friends, as well as more tertiary friends (Tim Meadows, Colin Quinn, Nick Swardson, etc.). The sad thing is that among this collection of scenes you see some morsels of goodness that make you believe a better film could have been delivered by this cast if anyone was interested in putting in some effort. Both the adults and the kids (all of whom are back from the first film) have some nice moments. Ultimately, this is the perfect type of movie to watch on cable. You can turn it on in the middle, leave at various parts and come back again and watch some more later and never really miss a beat. During the times you watch, you're likely to find at least a few jokes you'll like but you also won't feel like you're missing out if you do not see every frame. For all of their weaknesses, this is a group of guys that I enjoy watching and hanging out with. This one won't be winning any awards (save for a few Razzies perhaps), but I'm ok with that. A steady diet of this would be too much, but there's nothing wrong with an occasional low-brow indulgence. Rating: ** 1/2

Royal Rumble Rewind: 2002

In 2002, the WWF was going through some big transitions as they tried to find ways to integrate the former WCW guys into their roster. But on this night, they made sure that one of their own, the returning Triple H was front and center.

2002 Royal Rumble

Emanating from the Phillips Arena in Atlanta, GA

Rikishi is #1 and Goldust is #2. That is perhaps the oddest pairing to start off the Rumble. By the way, Goldust is one of four superstars making their big return tonight in this match. The two trade rights to begin. Rikishi hurls Goldust over, but he hangs on. Upon re-entry, Goldust goes low on him. Rikishi dumps Goldust again, but again he hangs on. #3 enters and it’s the Big Boss Man. Goldust and the Bossman try to team up, but Rikishi fends them both off. Nothing much happens when Bradshaw comes out at #4. He comes in and manhandles everyone. Rikishi knocks down the Bossman and gives him the Stinkface. Rikishi kicks the Bossman and then clotheslines him out of the ring. Lance Storm comes out at #5 and he goes after Goldust. Rikishi tries to eliminate Bradshaw, while Storm tries to get rid of Goldust. #6 is Al Snow and he attacks everything in sight. Bradshaw blasts Storm with the Clothesline from Hell, but can’t get rid of him. We’ve yet to get a major name in this Rumble as #7 is Billy Gunn. Some of my least favorite stars are in the ring right now. Gunn comes in and gets jumped by Bradshaw. Storm and Snow get each other onto the apron. Snow blocks a kick by Storm and then delivers a kick of his own to eliminate him. Bradshaw gets Goldust onto the apron, but as he tries to kick him to the floor, Gunn comes from behind and dumps him out of the ring. Suddenly things perk up because here’s the Undertaker at #8. Taker comes in and destroys everybody. Out goes Goldust, out goes Snow, out goes Rikishi and finally out goes Gunn. Taker is standing tall and standing alone. Matt Hardy has the unfortunate luck of being #9. The Hardyz have history with Taker, as he recently put both of them and Lita on the shelf. Taker quickly tries to chokeslam Matt when Lita comes in and tries to help. Taker grabs her too, but she kicks him low. Now Matt and Lita put the boots to Taker. As Taker tries to suplex Matt out of the ring, he gets saved by his brother Jeff, who’s out at #10. The Hardyz now begin to double-team Taker. They go for Poetry in Motion, but Taker catches Jeff and dumps him to the floor. Taker then gives Matt the Last Ride and eliminates him.

The sorry sap at #11 is Tough Enough winner, Maven. Taker begins to attack Maven, but the Hardyz come in and jump him again. Taker disposes of them again, but as he talks trash, Maven dropkicks him from behind and knocks him out of the ring. A huge crowd pop for that shocker. Taker comes back in the ring and begins to attack Maven. Taker takes him out of the ring and blasts him with a chair. As the beatdown continues, Scotty 2 Hotty strolls out at #12. Taker knocks down Scotty and then goes back to Maven. Taker takes Maven into the crowd and continues the assault. As Christian comes out at #13, Taker attacks Maven by the concession stand by throwing him through the glass of a popcorn cart. Neither Maven, nor Scotty have been eliminated, but since Christian is the only one in the ring, he takes a rest on the ropes. Scotty finally makes it in and dukes it out with Christian. Meanwhile, Maven for all intents and purposes has been eliminated. As they fight, DDP enters at #14. DDP hits Christian with the Diamond Cutter, but then Scotty kicks him and he falls through the ropes. Scotty then bulldogs Christian and gives him the Worm. However, DDP comes in and throws him out of the ring. The #15 entrant is Chuck Palumbo, who gets into a slugfest with DDP. We get more nothingness when the Godfather returns at #16. The Godfather brings out an entire row of hos and dances with them. While that happens, Christian and Palumbo team up to eliminate DDP off-screen. The Godfather’s antics last the whole two minutes and it’s already time for Albert to come out at #17. He comes in and manhandles everyone. As Albert tries to get rid of the Godfather, Christian and Palumbo come from behind and throw him to the floor. The Godfather attempts the Ho Train on both Christian and Palumbo. However, they both avoid it and then clothesline him out of the ring. Christian and Palumbo start to go at it when Perry Saturn arrives at #18. The three blandly fight for two minutes. The boredom ends when Austin enters at #19. Not surprisingly, he eliminates all three in quick fashion. Realizing he has time to kill, he brings Christian and Palumbo back in and eliminates them again. Austin checks his watch again and waits until another returning star, Val Venis comes out at #20. Austin brings Val in and quickly stomps a mudhole in him. Val starts to mount an offensive, but Austin comes back with the Lou Thesz Press.

Now the #21 entrant, Test makes his way to the ring. Test and Val team up to attack Austin. Heel miscommunication leads to Test giving Val the big boot. Austin is then able to clothesline Val out of the ring. Test goes for the boot on Austin, but misses. Austin then gives him a Stunner and eliminates him. As Austin waits, he gets some competition at #22 in the form of HHH, who’s recently back from quad surgery. The two do a long staredown before going at it. Just as they start going at it, the Hurricane arrives at #23. When he enters, both men are down. He tries to chokeslam both men, but they just look at him and then throw him out of the ring. Austin and HHH go at it again, when we get our #24 entrant, Farooq. Farooq tries to divide and conquer, but soon he suffers a Stunner and then gets clotheslined out by HHH. Austin and HHH continue to go at it when the best of the returning stars, Mr. Perfect joins us at #25. Perfect takes his time to come in, but then jumps Austin when he does. As Austin and HHH try to get Perfect out, he’s able to spit out his gum and swat it away. Truly awesome! Making his first Rumble appearance, here’s Kurt Angle at #26. We’ve paired off now with Angle taking on HHH and Austin squaring off against Perfect. The crowd starts a “You Suck”, “What?” chant. Nice! Angle gets close to eliminating HHH when Austin makes the save. Big Show arrives at #27 and he destroys everybody. Show’s in complete control, but he hasn’t eliminated anyone. Now Kane comes out at #28. He and Show duke it out, but nobody moves. Kane lowblows Show and then slams him over the top rope to get rid of him. Wow! Kane turns around and receives a Stunner from Austin. Angle then gives him an Angle Slam to the floor. Double wow! We’re back to that foursome duking it out. RVD enters at #29 and with perfect timing. Angle is lying on the mat, so RVD enters by giving him the Five Star Frog Splash. He then kicks down everyone and gives Austin rolling thunder. However, he turns around and receives the Pedigree from HHH. Our final entrant tonight is the five-time WCW champ, Booker T. He comes in and tosses out RVD, who was still out from the Pedigree. Major bummer there. With everyone else preoccupied, Booker decides to do a Spinaroonie. When he pops up though, he gets hit with a Stunner that knocks him over the top rope and to the floor.

We’re left with a Final Four of: Austin, Angle, Perfect and HHH. That’s a pretty awesome quartet. Angle goes for the Angle Slam on Austin, but he escapes and tries for a Stunner. Angle shoves him off and into HHH, who attempts to give him a Pedigree. Austin reverses that and catapults HHH into the turnbuckle. Angle follows that up with an Angle Slam on HHH. Awesome sequence! Now Angle gives Austin three German suplexes. Angle and Perfect try to eliminate Austin, but can’t get it done. Austin hoists Perfect up, but Angle runs up and dumps Austin to the floor. Shocking! Austin pulls Perfect out of the ring and starts to attack him. Angle comes out and throws Austin into the steps. As Angle and Perfect put the boots to HHH, Austin comes in with a chair and blasts both of them. Then he nails HHH. Perfect holds HHH for Angle, but Angle accidentally clotheslines Perfect instead. Perfect and Angle now battle. Perfect hits Angle with the Perfectplex and Perfect neckbreaker. However, HHH gets up and clotheslines him out of the ring. HHH tackles Angle and punches away on him. Angle comes back with a belly-to-belly suplex. HHH charges and Angle backdrops him over the top rope. Angle thinks he’s won, but HHH held on. HHH comes back in, gives Angle a facebuster and then clotheslines him out of the ring to win the 2002 Royal Rumble.

Bottom Line: They certainly back-loaded this Rumble. Aside from Taker’s shocking elimination, nothing interesting happened for the first 2/3rds of this Rumble. Given that they had just gained a bunch of talent from WCW, the roster for this Rumble was weaker than you would have expected. The last part of the Rumble was solid, but not strong enough to make this a great one. The returning stars were nice, but it would have been better had they been actual surprises instead of announced weeks prior to the show. In the end, the HHH win wasn’t terribly shocking, but it was the right move, given he was a top star returning from a lengthy injury. *** ½

Royal Rumble Rewind: 2001

By 2001 the WWF was firing on all cylinders and this show kicked off a three month run of possibly the best shows ever produced in professional wrestling. The roster was an embarassment of riches, each of whom was eager to steal the show every night.

2001 Royal Rumble

Emanating from the New Orleans Arena in New Orleans, LA

Jeff Hardy is #1 and Bull Buchanan is #2. Tag team wrestlers kicking this off? Looks like no one will be going the distance this year. Bull gets Jeff on the apron early, but can’t knock him off. As Jeff tries to survive, he gets some help from his brother Matt at #3. They quickly dispose of Bull and now contemplate fighting each other. The two actually go at it until Farooq comes out at #4. The Hardyz try for Poetry in Motion on him and botch it badly. However, they recover to hit Farooq with the Twist of Fate and swanton bomb. That combo allows them to easily dump him out. The brothers go at it again when lo and behold it’s Drew Carey at #5. Drew was at this event to promote an upcoming pay-per-view special. As Drew slowly gets in the ring, the Hardyz battle on the top rope and end up eliminating each other. Drew stands alone! He is not lonely for long because at #6 through hellfire and brimstone it’s Kane! Kane takes his time getting in the ring and then does his corner pyro. Drew offers him some money, but that won’t help. Kane is about to chokeslam Drew when Raven comes out at #7 and attacks him. Drew takes that opportunity to hop over the top rope and eliminate himself. And that, my friends, is a Hall of Fame performance. After being manhandled by Kane, Raven rolls under the ring. He grabs some weapons, but soon Al Snow jumps the gun and comes out prematurely at #8. He attacks Raven on the floor, but the referees wait for the buzzer before they let him in the ring. Snow attacks Kane and Raven with a trash can lid. Then he splits Raven’s uprights with a bowling ball. As Raven and Snow abuse Kane with trash cans, Saturn comes out at #9. Saturn goes for Kane’s leg and attacks it. All 3 men gang up on Kane to try and take him down. Steve Blackman runs out at #10 and adds to this hardcore section of the Rumble with his karate sticks.

Someone who’s not hardcore, Grandmaster Sexay, is the #11 entrant. Kane grabs a trash can and attacks everybody. His shot to Sexay knocks him over the top rope and to the floor. Kane goes on a rampage and eliminates Blackman, Snow, Raven and Saturn in short order. Just as Kane tosses out Saturn, we get a shocker, as the Honky Tonk Man is #12! Honky gets on the mic and plans to sing us a song. Kane isn’t in the mood to listen, so Kane grabs his gee-tar and blasts him with it. Kane shakes his head in disbelief and then tosses him out. Very funny stuff. Out at #13 is The Rock. Wow, early number for him. The Rock is a house of fire, but can’t eliminate Kane. Their battle is interrupted by #14, the Goodfather. The Rock takes a few seconds to give him a few shots and then gives him a big one to knock him right out. The Goodfather gets the Bushwacker award this year. The mood changes at #15 because here comes Tazz. Kane immediately grabs him by the throat and throws him back over the top rope. Sorry Goodfather, Tazz just took the Bushwacker award away from you. The Rock gets Kane up on the top rope, but can’t get him over. Both men are down after The Rock hits Kane with a Samoan Drop. That’s good news for entrant #16, Bradshaw. Bradshaw takes it to both men, but can’t eliminate either of them. #17 is Albert and he goes right for Kane. We’re paired up now as Albert tries to eliminate Bradshaw and Kane goes after The Rock. Coming out to zero reaction is Hardcore Holly at #18. Bradshaw and Hardcore come very close to eliminating The Rock. Now The Rock almost gets rid of Kane. K-Kwik is #19 and he goes after Albert. We’ve suddenly hit a lull in the match. Kane and Bradshaw hit power moves on Hardcore and K-Kwik respectively. That damn siren blares again as Val Venis comes out at #20. The ring is now filling up quickly.

Here to wave to all his people is our goodwill ambassador, William Regal at #21. Regal attacks anyone and everyone he sees. Our pairings are now Val/Bradshaw, Hardcore/The Rock, Albert/Kane and K-Kwik/Regal. Test is #22 and he makes an immediate impact by tossing out Regal. Back from fat camp is the returning Big Show at #23 and he looks bigger than ever. Show makes himself known by dumping Test and K-Kwik quickly. Then it’s chokeslams for everybody else that’s left. However, when he tries one of The Rock, he goes low. A few punches and a clothesline later and The Rock eliminates Show, just like that. Show clears off the announce table and grabs The Rock. Amid the chaos, Crash Holly comes out at #24. Show now takes The Rock and chokeslams him through the announce table. Meanwhile, everyone left, gangs up on Kane. As they try to eliminate him, here comes #25, The Undertaker. Taker fends off all of them to save Kane. Oh yeah, they like each other again now. Sheesh! Taker gets rid of Bradshaw and Hardcore. Kane, meanwhile, eliminates Crash and Albert. Now Taker throws out Val. Only the Brothers of Destruction remain in the ring, but The Rock is still in the match. Before the brothers can go at it, Scotty 2 Hotty comes out at #26. The two team up and just murder Scotty before mercifully dumping him out of the ring. I love it! The Rock is now slowly starting to get up. The brothers wait for the next entrant and they get their money’s worth because here comes Austin at #27. However, before he can get into the ring, HHH runs out and attacks him. The Rock gets back in the ring and Kane and Taker go after him, while HHH attacks Austin in the aisle. We see Austin’s been bloodied as Billy Gunn races out at #28. Ha! Lots of luck Billy. Kane stomps away on Gunn, while Taker and The Rock go at it. We get yet another surprise as Haku is #29. Where did he come from?!? He comes in and takes it to both Taker and Kane. J.R. and Lawler get into this great, heated debate over the fairness of HHH attacking Austin. To nobody’s surprise, it’s Rikishi at #30. Rikishi sees a bloodied Austin in the aisle and attacks him. Austin fights back and throws him into the ring. Now Austin stops a mudhole in Gunn. Yes! Austin then goes over and knocks Haku out of the ring. Taker chokeslams Rikishi as J.R. tells us that Kane has been in there for 50 minutes. Rikishi nails Taker with a superkick that sends him over the top rope and to the floor. Wow! Now Rikishi splashes The Rock in the corner. Rikishi goes for the Banzai Drop, but The Rock gives him a low blow and then dumps him out.

We have our Final Four and it’s Austin, The Rock, Kane and Billy Gunn. Why is Gunn still in there? Why couldn’t Taker or Rikishi last longer? Gunn blocks a Stunner and gives Austin the Fameasser. Give me a break! Gunn tries to throw him out, but Austin reverses it and sends Gunn to the floor. Good! Get him out of here! Now Austin and The Rock meet face-to-face and go at it. The Rock goes for a Rock Bottom, but Austin escapes and then hits him with a Stunner. Austin now connects with the Lou Thesz Press on Kane. As he gets up, The Rock nails him with the Rock Bottom. The Rock grabs Kane and tosses him, but Kane goes through the middle ropes. As Austin and The Rock try to eliminate each other, Kane comes back in and nails both of them. Austin hangs on, but The Rock falls to the floor. We’re down to two. Austin charges at Kane, but Kane grabs him and delivers a chokeslam. Kane grabs a chair and brings it into the ring. Austin stops him from using it, though. Austin escapes a Tombstone attempt and stunners Kane. Austin grabs the chair and gives Kane three big chairshots. With Kane staggering, Austin is able to clotheslines Kane to the floor. Austin wins it and is going to Wrestlemania!

Bottom Line: This was one hell of a Rumble. There were hardly any slow spots in this match. Between the comedy with Drew, the hardcore segment, and the stacked finish, there was always something to keep the crowd entertained. Not to mention, they provided a number of surprise entrants who were all effective. Unlike some Rumbles, this one had a number of stars at the end who could have won it. Some may criticize Austin winning his third Rumble, but given where they were headed, it was the right call. I also have to give credit to Kane, who delivered one hell of a performance. That was one of the most dominant Rumble performances in the history of the match. All in all, there’s very little to complain about this Rumble. **** ½

Royal Rumble Rewind: 1999

Writer Vince Russo can be credited with a lot of successes during the 'Attitude Era' of professional wrestling, but booking a Royal Rumble match was not one of them. The 1999 match is a display of him at his finest or worst, depending on how you look at it.

1999 Royal Rumble

Emanating from the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA

Austin and Vince McMahon are #1 and #2 respectively and this is the first time they’re officially meeting in a match. The bell rings and Austin immediately attacks Vince and stomps a mudhole in him. Austin teases throwing Vince out, but then opts to keep him in for more abuse. #3 comes out and it’s Golga. As Austin hits the Lou Thesz Press on Vince, Golga attacks him. Austin recovers and dumps Golga out. Vince, meanwhile, crawled under the bottom rope and left ringside. Austin goes and follows him through the crowd. As they leave the arena, Droz comes out at #4 and waits. Austin and Vince go into a women’s restroom and we see the entire Corporation are in there and they attack Austin. Two minutes pass and Edge is the #5 entrant. Both men try to eliminate the other with no success. Sparklers and all, Gillberg is out at #6. “Gillberg” chant begins throughout the arena. Gillberg poses in the ring and is immediately shoved out by Edge. Hilarious! Droz clotheslines Edge, as we see Austin knocked out on the bathroom floor. Edge misses a corner charge and Droz tries to get him out. #7 is Steve Blackman, who goes after Droz. That doesn’t matter though as we cut back to Austin being tended to by paramedics. #8 is Dan Severn, who I forgot was still around by this point. He comes in and jumps Blackman. Again, it doesn’t matter, as we rather show Austin being put into an ambulance. Out at #9 is Tiger Ali Singh and they barely acknowledge his entrance because they rather show Austin. The Blue Meanie is #10 as we have some real A-list talent in the ring right now. Everyone pairs off and it’s Meanie vs. Tiger, Edge vs. Droz, and Blackman vs. Severn. Meanie does his dance for everyone’s amusement.

The buzzer sounds for #11, but no one shows. Soon, we cut to the back and see Mabel, who just returned earlier tonight on Sunday Night HeAT, attack Mosh. Mabel comes out and I guess he’s taken over the #11 spot. Mabel comes in and immediately knocks out Severn and Blackman. Then he clotheslines Tiger out of the ring. Road Dogg comes out at #12 to finally wake up the crowd. Meanwhile, Mabel has eliminated the Meanie and Droz. Edge low blows Mabel and then goes after Road Dogg. Road Dogg ducks a charging Edge and backdrops him out of the ring. As Road Dogg and Mabel go at it, the lights go out and the Undertaker’s music begins. The lights come back on and Mideon and the Acolytes have taken Mabel out of the ring. Taker meets Mabel in the aisle and tells him something before the Ministry takes him away. Oooookay. Road Dogg, meanwhile, is left in the ring, waiting. Finally, we get entrant #13 and it’s Gangrel. It doesn’t take long before Road Dogg tosses him out. Once again, he’s left waiting. Kurrgan comes out at #14 and is able to take control. As Kurrgan works Road Dogg over in the corner, Al Snow enters at #15. Snow and Road Dogg try to eliminate Kurrgan, but soon Road Dogg sees an opportunity and just pushes Snow to the floor. #16 is Goldust and he goes after Road Dogg. Goldust tries for Shattered Dreams on Road Dogg, but Kurrgan stops him. Now Road Dogg tries to do Shattered Dreams on Goldust, but Kurrgan stops him as well. Out to a big pop is The Godfather at #17. As Kurrgan & Road Dogg and Goldust & The Godfather square off, the crowd chants “We want hos”. The buzzer sounds and the lights go out. Kane is the #18 entrant. He comes in and eliminates everyone in the ring. Crowd popping huge for Kane. Soon, a bunch of guys in white coats come out for him. He fends some off and chases after others. Unfortunately, the dummy walked over the top rope to do it and he’s eliminated. And now the fans are waiting for anyone. Ken Shamrock is #19 and he’s forced to wait. However, as he walks down to ringside, we see Mr. McMahon return and he joins the commentary team. Hobbling to ringside is Billy Gunn at #20 Badd Ass tries to press slam Shamrock, but can’t complete the move due to his injured ankle. Shamrock is tossed over, but he holds on.

As Test comes out at #21, we see outside the arena that the Ministry have thrown Mabel into a hearse. As that happens, an ambulance drives up to the arena and it’s being driven by Austin. Austin comes out to ringside as the buzzer sounds for #22, the Bossman. Austin chases Vince into the ring, but Shamrock stops Austin and Vince heads back to the announce table. Shamrock’s attack is fleeting as Austin eliminates him shortly thereafter. The Bossman goes after Austin, while Test and Badd Ass go at it. HHH comes out at #23 and goes right after Test. The Bossman tries to eliminate Austin, but HHH stops him; only to try and eliminate Austin himself. Entrant #24 is Val Venis and when he comes in, he’s greeted with a HHH clothesline. Badd Ass works over Austin in the corner, but Austin quickly recovers and heaves him out of the ring. #25 is X-Pac and he goes after Test. The pairings are now Austin/Val, Bossman/HHH, and X-Pac/Test. It’s Sexual baby. Sexual Chocolate, that is, and he’s #26. The Bossman and Henry work over Austin until miscommunication leads to Henry nailing the Bossman. Jeff Jarrett comes out at #27 and he attacks X-Pac. X-Pac and HHH team up to beat up Jarrett, but then X-Pac delivers a spinning heel kick to HHH. Every man for himself! Now X-Pac gives the Bossman the Bronco Buster. LOL moment of the night, as you can hear HHH say to Val, “If I throw you, can you hang on?” #28 is D’Lo Brown and he’s not alone. He’s accompanied by Jacqueline and Terri Runnels, who’s in a completely see-thru top. Test attacks Austin, but soon the Rattlesnake dumps him over. Now the Bossman heaves X-Pac out of the ring. Jarrett and the Bossman try to get Austin over, but are unsuccessful. Austin hits the Lou Thesz Press on Jarrett and then HHH throws him out. Just as Jarrett exits, his tag partner, Owen Hart enters at #29. Austin leaves the ring momentarily and dumps water on Vince. Making history at #30 is Chyna.

She immediately goes after Henry and within seconds eliminates him. However, Austin comes right behind and clotheslines her out. HHH and Austin go at it while Owen takes on D’Lo and the Bossman and Val square off. Val tries to go after Austin, so HHH throws him out of the ring. That gives Austin enough time to give HHH the Stunner and eliminate him. Four are left in the ring, but five are still able to win. Austin sidesteps a D’Lo dropkick and then works him over in the corner. Owen delivers an enziguri to Austin, but Austin comes back and eliminates him. We’re officially down to the Final Four of Austin, the Bossman, D’Lo and Mr. McMahon. As odd of a Final Four as you’ll ever see. The Bossman uppercuts Austin and D’Lo connects with the frog splash. However, the Bossman comes up behind D’Lo and throws him out. By this time, Austin is back up. He stuns the Bossman and clotheslines him out. Now Austin goes out to Vince and they brawl by the announce table. After fighting through the crowd, Austin brings Vince back to ringside and nails him with a chair. In the ring, Austin stands over Vince when Vince delivers a low blow. However, Austin recovers and hits Vince with a Stunner. Austin hits Vince with an elbow from the second rope. All of a sudden, The Rock comes down to ringside. The Rock gets on the apron and he tussles with Austin. As they fight, Vince comes from behind and dumps Austin out. Mr. McMahon is the winner of the Royal Rumble.

Postmatch: Austin and The Rock fight to the back, while Vince celebrates by downing a couple of cold ones with Shane and the Stooges.

Bottom Line: In case you didn’t figure it out, the operative word for this Rumble was waiting and there was plenty of it. There were just way too many dead spots in a match where there should be none. And speaking of waiting, we would have to wait longer until Austin was officially the #1 contender for Wrestlemania. The finish here was a swerve for the sake of swerves. Completely unnecessary. It’s really hard to have a bad Rumble, but they sure tried their best (or worst) here. * ½

Royal Rumble Rewind: 1998

When Stone Cold Steve Austin won the Rumble in 1997, it was a surprise to many. The same couldn't be said by '98 when Austin-mania was running wild and he was the closest thing to a lock when it comes to Rumble winners.

1998 Royal Rumble

Emanating from the San Jose Arena in San Jose, CA

#1 is Cactus Jack and he’s brought garbage cans with him. Interestingly enough, Cactus’ recent tag team partner Chainsaw Charlie (aka Terry Funk) is #2 and he has his chainsaw with him. We get a hardcore start to the Rumble as they use the weapons they brought plus chairs. Both men take some wicked chair shots to the head. Tom Brandi (the former Salvatore Sincere) is #3, but both guys in the ring gang up on him and eliminate him right away. Arrivederci! Now the hardcore legends go back to beating each other up. After suplexing Chainsaw onto two chairs, Cactus tries to dump him, but pulls him back in as #4, The Rock makes him way to the ring. The Rock briefly is able to divide and conquer until Cactus nails him with the garbage can. Cactus then puts the can on The Rock and he and Chainsaw play pinball with him. After Cactus knocks The Rock through the ropes, he celebrates, only to get a lowblow from Chainsaw. Mosh comes out at #5 and almost gets nailed with a chair that was thrown out of the ring by Chainsaw. We’ve now separated into Cactus/The Rock and Chainsaw/Mosh. Chainsaw goes for a moonsault, but doesn’t quite hit it. #6 is Phinneas and you can hear the energy just leave the crowd upon his entry. Cactus tries to suplex Mosh out of the ring, but can’t get him up. 8-Ball is out next at #7 and you wonder why they just didn’t have him come out one number later. Cactus charges at Chainsaw, but Chainsaw ducks and Cactus eliminates himself. A disappointingly early night for Mick Foley. Or is it?? The Rock comes close to eliminating Chainsaw, but he holds on. Blackjack Bradshaw is #8, as the streak of suck continues. Everyone is just wandering around doing nothing interesting at all. #9 is Owen Hart, who comes out to a big pop. However, before he can get into the ring, Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette come out and put a severe beatdown on him. It now appears that Owen won’t compete in the Rumble match. Or will he? Steve Blackman is #10 and he comes in and almost knocks Chainsaw out with his karate kicks. Phinneas is almost eliminated by Blackman, but The Rock makes the save.

Nation member #2 and entrant #11 is D’Lo Brown. Our pairings now are Blackman/The Rock, Phinneas/Mosh, Chainsaw/8-Ball and Bradshaw/D’Lo. Unfortunately, no one is close to being eliminated. Stables apparently mean nothing as The Rock and D’Lo begin to go at it. #12 is Kurrgan, who immediately goes into no-selling mode. Mosh tries mounting Kurrgan in the corner, but Kurrgan dumps him out. Out to a big pop is #13 Marc Mero. Oh sorry, that pop was for Sable. The ring is filled with a lot of worthless talent right now. Kurrgan helps the problem by tossing out Blackman. Ken Shamrock comes out at #14 and goes right after Kurrgan. Soon, everyone joins him and they collectively dump Kurrgan out. The Rock hits the People’s Elbow on Chainsaw with little fanfare. #15 is Thrasher as I continue to wait for someone decent to arrive. The crowd must agree as they resigned themselves to a “Sable” chant. We get our first surprise of the night as Mick Foley is back as Mankind at #16. He goes right after Chainsaw and eliminates him to return the favor from earlier tonight. The Rock and Shamrock resume their fight in one of the corners. #17 is The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust, who’s in a new outfit that now includes bra and panties. Mero takes a breather to do some shadow boxing. Let’s hope it pays off. Goldust and Mankind tangle in the corner and Goldust manages to get him over the top rope and to the floor. Making his second (sort of) appearance tonight is Jeff Jarrett at #18. Owen Hart runs out shortly after Jarrett, gets into the ring, and immediately attacks him. Jarrett manages to throw Owen over, but he skins the cat and then eliminates Jarrett on the other side of the ring. Huge pop for that. Our second surprise comes in the form of the Honky Tonk Man, who is #19. Coming down with him is HHH (on crutches from an injury I don’t recall) and Chyna. The Rock continues to do well as he dumps Shamrock to the floor. Owen spots HHH at ringside and gives him an unkind gesture. This prompts HHH to crack him with his crutch as Chyna yanks him out. Geez, everyone’s picking on Owen tonight. Owen chases HHH to the back and trips at the entrance way. Hope he didn’t injure himself there. Speaking of injuries, it’s Mr. Glass himself, Ahmed Johnson at #20. Ahmed gingerly climbs into the ring as J.R. tries convincing us that he’s back to 100%.

Here comes Mark Henry, who is entrant #21 and Nation member #3. J.R. now begins to sound like Tobias Funke when describing Henry attacking Ahmed by saying he’s “handling the big Johnson”. This ring is getting majorly bloated right now as the crowd is getting restless. Henry throws powder in Ahmed’s face, for some reason, but it doesn’t lead to an elimination. The buzzer sounds and #22 is…is…nobody. Lawler is convinced that someone got to Austin and this was supposed to be his number. Now D’Lo and Henry team up to toss out Ahmed. Then, Henry ducks a punch by Phinneas and heaves him out. Ahmed and Phinneas brawl to the back, much to my bewilderment. #23 is our fourth Nation member, Kama Mustafa. I would say strength in numbers, but these guys have been beating each other up as much as they have their opponents. Sure enough, there goes Kama and D’Lo duking it out. CRASH! Here comes Stone Cold out at #24. Everyone in the ring stops and looks toward the aisle, but Austin enters through the crowd and blindsides Mero. He quickly dispatches of him. Now everyone realizes he’s in the ring and they try ganging up on him. Austin fights out of it and tosses out 8-Ball. Things settle back down, as Austin chokes D’Lo with his vest. Running out at #25 is Henry Godwinn, who goes right for Austin. #26 is evidently all of Los Boricuas. Actually, it’s just Savio, but his three stablemates join him in the ring to attack Austin. Austin manages to fend all of them off. The fifth and final Nation member, Farooq is entrant #27. He comes in and goes right after The Rock. All is not well amongst the black caucus. Now Austin and The Rock are brawling on the floor, however neither is eliminated. Pulling a three-peat, Mick Foley is back out again, this time as Dude Love at #28. He makes an immediate impact by knocking out Bradshaw, who was trying to eliminate Henry Godwinn at the time. As things wind down, Chainz strolls out as #29. D’Lo is whipped into Farooq, who backdrops him out of the ring. We remain in punch and kick mode, despite there only being one entrant left. That entrant comes out and it’s none other than Vader. He first attacks Goldust, but then takes a moment to eliminate Honky. Let the mass exodus begin! Austin dumps Thrasher and Kama in rapid succession. Shortly after that, Austin knocks out Savio, while Goldust clotheslines Vader out of the ring. Dude Love ducks a charging Henry Godwinn, who eliminates himself. Chainz grabs Goldust and heaves him out of the ring. Austin backdrops a charging Chainz to get rid of him. Farooq manages to get Henry over the top rope, but he hangs onto the apron. However, as Henry tries to get back into the ring, Farooq knocks him to the floor. Isn’t it amazing how all those guys held strong for so long and then just like that, they were all eliminated in a matter of seconds.

All joking aside, we’re now left with a Final Four of Farooq, The Rock, Dude Love and Austin. Former tag champs vs. current faction members. Dude takes on Farooq, while Austin and The Rock go at it. Now they switch and Dude hits Sweet Shin Music and a double-arm DDT on The Rock. Austin shows why he is the Texas Rattlesnake by then attacking Dude. Dude comes back, however with the Mandible Claw. Austin breaks it by going low. That allows Farooq to then clothesline Dude out of the ring. Farooq goes after Austin and The Rock decides to let him do all of the work. As Farooq gets close to eliminating Austin, The Rock comes up and dumps Farooq. We’re down to two and they begin to slug it out. Austin tosses The Rock over, but he hangs onto the apron. The Rock comes back in, only to receive a Stunner for his troubles. Austin takes the woozy Nation member and eliminates him for good to win his second Rumble in as many years.

Bottom Line: This Rumble was bookended nicely with a pair of entertaining segments. However, the middle was just dreadful. Way too many guys stayed in well past their welcome and it was tough to make the match compelling. As I said before the match, they only told one story leading up to the match and as a result, it took a lot of drama away from the Rumble. There were a few nice surprises, but a lack of star power really hurt this one. ***

Royal Rumble Rewind: 1997

While he obviously had bigger or more historic moments in his career, it could be argued that Stone Cold Steve Austin's dubious win at this year's Rumble was key in turning him into the superstar that he became.

1997 Royal Rumble

Emanating from the Alamodome in San Antonio, TX

Crush has drawn #1 and shockingly Ahmed Johnson is #2. Who would have thought that two men who are at odds with each other would draw the first two numbers? Crush hammers away on Ahmed in the corner, but Ahmed comes right back with a clothesline. Ahmed already appears to be blown up as Crush tries to get him out of the ring. With no countdown or buzzer, “Razor Ramon” comes down at #3. Ahmed meets Razor as soon as he gets in the ring and moments later tosses him out. Ahmed then dumps Crush, but Crush hangs on and brings himself back in. All of a sudden, Ahmed hops over the top rope and eliminates himself. We soon see it was because Farooq came down the aisle. Ahmed chases him to the back and Crush is left alone in the ring. That doesn’t last long as Phinneas Godwinn comes out at #4 (still no countdown). Phinneas immediately tries dumping Crush, but Crush wraps himself around the ropes. As the two slug it out, the glass breaks, which means it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin at #5. Crush holds Phinneas for Austin, but Austin misses and hits Crush instead. Austin then shrugs his shoulders as if to say “Eh, who cares”. Nice! That error, however, allows Phinneas to toss out Crush. As Phinneas celebrates, Austin comes up, stunners him and then harshly heaves him to the floor. Bart Gunn is #6 and tries to gain a quick upper hand on Austin with a Rocker dropper. As Gunn charges at Austin, Austin sidesteps him and clotheslines him out. Austin is making light work of everyone so far, so he does some push-ups while he waits for the next guy. He then hops up into the corner and checks his pretend watch. His wait is finally over as Jake “the Snake” Roberts strolls out at #7. A nice wink back to their King of the Ring final. Jake actually hits the short-arm clothesline, but when he goes for the DDT, Austin backdrops him to the floor. Austin then whips Roberts’ snake bag at him. The PETA people won’t like that, but then again it’s not like Austin refused to feed the snake like Jake did. During Jake’s elimination, the buzzer rang and now we get entrant #8, the British Bulldog, who’s BIZARRE. The Bulldog and Austin have been at odds with each other recently. The Bulldog goes right after Austin and kicks away at him. #9 is Pierroth, who fails to illicit any reaction from the crowd. Pierroth begins to fight with the Bulldog, giving Austin a breather. The Sultan is #10 and he goes after Pierroth when he gets into the ring. Meanwhile, the Bulldog almost gets Austin out.

#11 is Mil Mascaras and these time periods seem to be getting shorter than 90 seconds. Can somebody tell me what the deal is with Mascaras? First, he wears these tights that make him look like he’s wearing a diaper. Then, there’s his legs. Are they detachable? There is such an indentation between where his legs connect to his torso that he looks like an action figure. Maybe he wears a mask all the time to take notice away from the lower half of his body. Anyway, he comes in and goes after the Sultan. HHH is entrant #12 and we do not have one clear-cut babyface in there currently, which is really strange. Everyone pairs as it’s the Bulldog and the Sultan, Mascaras and HHH and Austin and Pierroth. The Bulldog clotheslines the Sultan, and as he staggers to get up, the Bulldog clotheslines him again, but this time it’s to the floor. Austin grabs HHH and tosses him over, but HHH is able to hang on. Pierroth and Mascaras go at it as Owen Hart comes out at #13. Owen and the Bulldog take turns attacking Austin. As the Bulldog tries to eliminate Austin, Owen comes up and dumps the Bulldog out. The Bulldog is furious and Owen pleads innocent. Everything is not well in the land of the tag champs. #14 is Goldust, who is jumped by Austin as soon as he hits the ring. We now have Owen vs. Mascaras, Austin vs. Goldust and HHH vs. Pierroth. #15 is Cibernetico. OK, enough with the AAA guys. We don’t care! Goldust tosses HHH over and again HHH hangs on. Marc Mero comes out at #16 as Pierroth eliminates Cibernetico. Then, Pierroth gets dumped out by Mascaras. Mascaras then stupidly goes up top and jumps into Cibernetico and Pierroth, thus eliminating himself. Well, that took care of the Mexican contingency real quick. Goldust and Mero work together and eliminate HHH thus giving Goldust some retribution for his loss earlier. Just when we think the AAA guys are gone, Latin Lover comes out at #17. Goldust dodges a dropkick by the Latin Lover, but moves right into a clothesline by Owen, which sends him to the floor. Farooq comes in at #18 and makes an immediate impact by backdropping the Latin Lover out of the ring. That’s all Farooq will do because soon after, Ahmed comes out with a big board and chases Farooq out of the ring. Then as the referees try to regain control, Austin dumps both Owen and Mero out, leaving him by himself. In another nice nod to Austin’s past, it is Savio Vega, who comes out at #19. The two brawl until Vega gets the upper hand with a slingshot and spinning heel kick. Austin comes back, however, by hitting Vega with a hot shot and then clotheslining him to the floor. As Austin waves on the next guy, we see it’s Double J Jesse James at #20. He tries his luck, but Austin quickly dispenses of him as well.

Now Austin perches himself in the corner again eagerly anticipating the next entrant. The buzzer sounds and lo and behold it’s Bret Hart, the man he’s currently feuding with. The two go at it and Bret gets the better of the exchange. Bret locks Austin in the Sharpshooter as the buzzer sounds. #22 is none other than Jerry Lawler, who stops mid-sentence, gets up from the announce table and hops into the ring. As soon as he hopped in, Bret comes over and punches him right back out of the ring. Lawler dusts himself off, goes back over to the announce table and finishes his sentence. Classic Rumble moment. Bret continues to dominate Austin as “Diesel” enters at #23. Diesel attacks Bret allowing Austin to rest. Now Austin is able to go back on the attack as he throws Bret chest-first into the corner. Terry Funk is out at #24. He goes after Austin as Bret and Diesel duke it out. As Funk hits a weak piledriver on Bret, Rocky Maivia comes out at #25. Naturally, he goes after Austin because those two are like magnets, only we didn’t know that yet at this point. Mankind strolls out at #26 and just like Rocky naturally went after Austin, he goes after Funk. Some big star-power in the ring right now. Bret locks Austin in a sleeper, but Austin quickly jawjacks him. Flash Funk is your #27 entrant and J.R. quickly notes he’s not related to Terry. Thanks J.R. He comes in and goes up top where he then launches himself onto Diesel and Funk. The buzzer sounds and clearly it’s time for Vader to be #28. Everyone is kinda milling around now, preparing for the end game. #29 is Henry Godwinn and I question why he didn’t come out with the rest of the mid-card during the first half of the Rumble. There are some near eliminations but no one is gone just yet. We now get entrant #30, who is the Undertaker and he’s got a prime spot.

He comes in and goes right after Vader to avenge his loss earlier tonight. Now Taker goes after everyone, including his own brother, err…I mean, Diesel. Flash charges at Vader, who catches him and then tosses him over his head and to the floor. Impressive bump there. Taker whips Henry over, but he manages to hang on. However, a few moments later Taker and Henry tangle again and this time he is able to eliminate him. Bret comes close to eliminating Austin. Rocky comes off the ropes, but Mankind catches him in the Mandible Claw and forces him over the top rope and to the floor. Mankind and Funk begin to brawl and Mankind clotheslines both of them over the top rope, but not to the floor. Before Mankind can recover though, Taker boots him to the floor. Mankind and Funk begin to brawl on the floor. Bret grabs Austin from behind and finally eliminates him. That means your Final Four are: Bret Hart, Diesel, Undertaker and Vader. But wait a second…Austin sneaks back into the ring because the referees did not see him hit the floor as they were all occupied with Mankind and Funk. Austin goes behind Vader and Taker and dumps them both. He then sneaks behind Bret, who had just tossed out Diesel, and eliminates him as well. The bell rings and Austin is declared the winner.

Postmatch: Furious, Bret loses it and beats up the referee. He then goes outside, grabs Vince and begins to yell at him. What a sore loser!

Bottom Line: This Rumble is tough to rate. It started off real slow. Part of the problem was a dead crowd and the other half was nothing interesting going on. However, once Bret hit the ring things really picked up. There was a lot of star power in there, which made it difficult to figure out who was going to win it and then they provided a very creative, yet controversial finish. For me, this is one of my favorite Rumbles as there were some great moments (Austin’s antics, Lawler’s cameo) and a satisfying finish as I loved seeing Bret’s world come crashing down on him. Not the best Rumble, but definitely an improvement over the past couple. *** ¼