Royal Rumble Rewind: 1991

1991 saw us in the middle of the first Gulf War and the booking of that year's Rumble match certainly reflected that.

1991 Royal Rumble

Emanating from the Miami Arena in Miami, FL

Bret Hart is #1, as those signs of a singles career seem to keep popping up. Dino Bravo is #2. Gorilla seems to think Bravo is a cheapskate. Maybe that’s what got him shot gangland style. Bret starts off hot, but Dino soon takes control. Greg Valentine is #3. Valentine nails Dino to the shock of Jimmy Hart. Valentine quickly disposes of Dino. Valentine tries to go after Jimmy Hart but he escapes. Bret, who had been resting, goes right to work on Valentine. Paul Roma is #4. Valentine and Roma gang up on Bret but then Roma turns on The Hammer. Texas Tornado is #5. Tornado gives his usual crappy punches to everyone. Valentine gives us a Flair flop. It’s now Valentine and the Tornado and Bret and Roma paired up. Roma with a near Bob Holly-like dropkick on Von Erich. Rick Martel is #6. He goes immediately after the Hitman. Bret puts Martel on the brink of elimination. #7 is Saba Simba and thankfully Piper doesn’t shout, “it’s Tony Atlas!” this time. Pairings now are Saba and Roma, Hart and Valentine, and Tornado and Martel. The Model comes close to being dumped again but no dice. Sidenote: Shane McMahon is one of the floor referees. Tornado puts the dreaded palmhold on Paul Roma. Butch is #8. He whacks his way around the ring for 10 seconds before someone realizes how idiotic he looks and hits him. Saba Simba and Martel go flying over the top rope. Simba falls to the floor, but Martel hangs on. Not 30 seconds later, Gorilla asks Piper, “I don’t see Saba Simba, where did he go?” How Piper didn’t laugh in his face for such an idiotic question baffles me to this day. Jake the Snake is #9 and right away goes after Martel since they were in the middle of their feud. Jake goes for the DDT but Martel bails under the bottom rope. Hercules is #10. Ring is filling up fast. Everyone is now casually punching each other with no real direction. Valentine and Jake try to eliminate Bret but he pantomimes to the camera that he’s bored with their efforts. What a dick!

#11 is Tito Santana. Roma tries for a high crossbody on Jake but misses and launches himself over the top rope. Tito immediately goes after Martel as always. Undertaker is #12 and now we can hopefully clean out some deadweight. Just as I say that, Taker casually dumps Bret Hart out. As much as I don’t care for the Hitman, he wasn’t who I had in mind when I said deadweight. Superfly Jimmy Snuka is #13. Major afro on Snuka tonight. Taker launches Butch out. That’s more like it. Despite Undertaker’s efforts, the ring is still pretty crowded right now. Jake goes back to trying to eliminate Martel. British Bulldog is #14. Only thing of note going on now is some drunk in a green shirt who keeps walking past the front row. Smash is #15. From the apron, the Model is able to eliminate Roberts. #16 is Hawk. Hawk tries to punch everyone so everyone gangs up on Hawk in return. No complaints here. Newcomer Shane Douglas is #16. Undertaker heaves Tornado over the top rope. Vaya con dios Kerry! Hawk follows that up by eliminating the Superfly. #18 is…is…is…no one! It was revealed later though to be Macho Man’s number but he “left the building to avoid the Warrior.” Funny moment though as when the buzzer rings you see Animal start come out an then quickly hide behind the curtain. I can just hear someone backstage screaming at him, “No, no you moron! Not yet!” It’s time for #19 and whoa, what a surprise, it’s Animal. Legion of Doom work on the Undertaker and clothesline him out. Martel sneaks up behind Hawk and dumps him right after. Crush is #20. The Demos work over the British Bulldog.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan is #21 and I’m immediately board. (rimshot please) It’s getting pretty obvious at this point that everyone is sticking around in the ring in hopes of being tossed out by His Holiness. (coughHogancough) #22 is Earthquake. He quickly disposes of Animal. More chit-chat goes on between the wrestlers. Mr. Perfect is #23 and finally I’m interested. Perfect does his bumping for Duggan of all people. It’s all good though as Perfect soon dumps that idiot. Thanks Curt! Hogan is #24. Yippee! Victim #1 for the Hulkster is Smash. See ya Brother! Haku is #25. Now Hogan dumps Valentine after a 37-minute performance for the Hammer. It’s only now that Hogan finally gets his shirt off. #26 is Jim Neidhart. Earthquake eliminates Tito nonchalantly. Luke is #27. In a classic Rumble moment, Luke walks in and Quake just as quickly tosses him out the other side. Luke, we hardly knew ye. Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs is #28. Everyone gangs up on him as if he poses some threat. Knobbs pitches Hercules who was out there longer than he had any right to be. Warlord is #29. Hogan dumps Crush, or as my roommate calls him, “that bondage guy”. Hogan clotheslines Warlord out of there. That marks two different times (89 and 91) that Hogan has eliminated the Warlord via a clothesline in less than 2 minutes from the Rumble. Tugboat is #30. I promise no Shockmaster jokes.

He goes after Earthquake. Knobbs knocks out Shane Douglas. Tugboat goes after his “friend” the Hulkster. I guess this was the precursor to his ‘shocking’ heel turn. (OK, so I lied) Angered, Hulk comes back and dumps Tugboat. Bulldog dropkicks Perfect out. That’s a shame! Martel eliminates the Anvil. Haku gets tossed out by the Bulldog. Martel goes up top but Bulldog catches him and throws him out. Finally, after 53 minutes, Martel was gone. As a young fan watching this back in ‘91, I was sooo glad when he finally was eliminated because he was so close so many times during the night. Final Four is British Bulldog, Hulk Hogan, Earthquake and Brian Knobbs. Why in God’s green Earth was Knobbs booked to go this late into the Rumble? I think “Hogan Knows Best” gave us the answer to that one. The heels team up and dump the Bulldog out. Poor Davey Boy, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Quake and Knobbs then work over Hulk which includes the big butt splash. Hogan of course pops up and boots Knobbs out. Hogan gets some offense before a slam attempt backfires on him. Quakes squashes Hogan some more before Hulk pops up again. 2 pop-ups in one match? They must really want to send the fans home happy. It’s all a formality after that as Hogan gets his obligatory slam on Quake before clotheslining him out of the ring.

Bottom Line: Well star power was non-existent in this Rumble. Too many times there was a bunch of guys standing around doing nothing. Even though the notion of Hogan winning back-to-back Rumbles nauseated me, it was the right thing to do, given the Slaughter win. Had he not won the previous year, this would have been more tolerable. ** ¾